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February 2014




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Feb. 8th, 2014

(no subject)

The LJ app is awful and I never post!

Major updates on my life:
- Julie and I officially actually for real broke up in December (after she got fired from her job in November) and she moved in with her sister in Oakland, but couldn't secure a job in the Bay Area so now she's living w/her parents in the Portland area.

- As a result, my bills have doubled and I'm super stressed out and broke all the time. I didn't ask her to move out, just neither of us loves Eugene and after losing her job and our relationship going south, she didn't want to stay. I don't blame her for that, and I think the space has been really good, but the money sucks. However, I would rather she be unemployed at her parents' than unemployed here because I can barely afford myself and the ratties. Also, it's a lot easier to forgo going out for lunch and stuff when it's only me. I do go out with friends but it's less often and cheaper than with Julie for sure.

- I was suicidally depressed following her moving out because, well, I love her, and it was jarring to go from having a companion to being totally alone. I have a few friends here, but no one really close. It is never a great idea to have one person be your best friend, partner, and one-person support system where you are living. This is something I'm working on. In that sense it's been good to learn how to rely on just myself again, and to reach out and open up to friends here. I felt really down on myself because I didn't want to break up (though I did get some closure when she visited a few weeks ago; I realize we are a lot better as friends so I can let that go) and, being the dumpee, was pretty hard on myself about it. It didn't help that this was all around Christmas time and all of my siblings are in happy relationships while I was fresh off a breakup, haha. I felt like a ninth wheel!

- I am looking to move back to portland when I can afford it, because eugene sucks and I don't want to sign another lease here, and my current place is too expensive to do anything more than scrape by. I really want to finish school but I owe the school $3k and I don't foresee when I can save that much. But I know I can't do it here haha. I would consider staying if I found a room share that was a good fit I think, but I haven't yet. I have awful credit and can't afford much of a deposit anywhere, plus I'd have to give notice here... Complicating factors. Alternatively, I could get a roommate, but I have a small one bedroom with the bathroom inside of the bedroom lol. I wish I could afford a studio apartment on my income but I can't.

- Pansy ended up passing away on Christmas. We tried everything, but he just didn't get better. Rest in peace, little buddy.


Dec. 13th, 2013

(no subject)

My rat, Pansy, has pneumonia, and today I got an inhaler for him. I had to cut the bottom off a 2-liter bottle and trap him inside, then puff the inhaler into the top.

...I succeeded, but he fear-pooped all over my shirt :( poor buddy. I'll see if I can get a bigger bottle or something less terrifying for him.


Dec. 10th, 2013

(no subject)

I think I'll just constantly bake things (like bread) in a desperate attempt to keep my apartment warm this winter


Dec. 8th, 2013

(no subject)

I thought experiencing subzero temps for the first time ever would be like... So cold I couldn't fathom it, but instead it's just at a certain point I can't feel my face and that doesn't change. The only thing is that folks who live here aren't used to it being so cold. There's a huge homeless population and everyone I see seems to be managing but I can't shake the feeling people could freeze to death overnight. I also worry about all the feral cats etc. obviously to a lesser degree- I imagine cats are very good at seeking out shelter. Keeping my rats warm has been hard, even with putting lots of nesting materials in their cage and covering the cage with a blanket at night, and moving them into my bedroom (the main living area is so much colder than my bedroom and bathroom).

One of my rats, Pansy, actually has pneumonia :( the vet doesn't think it's from the cold, she suspects he's been sickly for longer than I've been able to tell. Today is day 3 on medications and improvement is there but slow-going. :( I worry he won't make it. He had lost his appetite and now it's back a bit, but he still doesn't have the same zest for food that all my healthy rats have (rats LOVE FOOD so much, basically they're tiny dogs). He seems to be anemic too, and his breathing was labored- now that's not so much, but he does still snuffle and wheeze and sound bad. I'm glad he can breathe easier though.

On a different and totally selfish note, the only coat I have that can keep me semi comfortable in this weather is hideous and has oil stains from when I had to work outdoors in winter with no provided outerwear, serving greasy food. I'm so embarrassed by it but I don't have money for a new coat so blah. I've tried thrifting one but coat selections at thrift stores are terrible, esp if you're plus sized. Blah


Nov. 27th, 2013

(no subject)

I don't know how to get back into blogging here! So uh, let me just get going I guess.

Julie lost her job yesterday and it makes my tummy hurt and doesn't feel real. I'm kind of mad because it was pretty preventable, but I hope this is a wake up call to her to be more organized and on top of responsibilities. The job market here is HORRIBLE and I feel crappy about her having to put herself through that awful desperate process of job hunting in a place where jobs are few, and even fewer that aren't part time minimum wage. I've never been fired and had a hard time finding employment here, I can't imagine that would help.

I make enough money per month (about $1000) to pay for rent and utilities on my own, and that leaves about $250 for food and anything else (I have so been needing new shoes and a waterproof winter coat and that will be harder). I won't be able to save or pay off my debts though, and if either of us needs to see a doctor or I need to take a rat to the vet, that will suck. I don't like having no safety net. I suck at money and don't have any saved up (neither does Julie) and now I'm realizing how important that is... Perhaps this is a reality check for both of us.

I imagine what friends I added last time I blogged here have deleted me by now haha :( it's only fair.

Food stuff/baking disasters under the cut

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Jun. 28th, 2013

(no subject)

So today... I got up at 8, worked from 9-4, got home around 4:30, and promptly napped from 5-11pm. It wouldn't be that bad, but I work at 9 again tomorrow and I don't know how I will sleep through the night. Naps are the best/worst.


Apr. 29th, 2012

(no subject)

So not keeping up with that meme. Eh! I have been feeling really torn as to whether I want to do social work or if I want to work with animals. As that would require a science degree, and I am one year (due to residency/tuition issues i'm taking one class right now and taking all of next year off despite impending student loan payments) away from a bachelor of ARTS in social work, it makes the most sense to just finish on my current track... But if it gives me crippling anxiety, isn't what I want to do, and requires a TON of time and commitment (hard to give when you're not super into it), is it even worth it?

My heart says no, of course, but my brain is overwhelmed by the financial side of things- i have growing debt from loans that I'll have to start paying 6 months into my year break (trying to gain residency, even though tbh I'm tired of Portland and the idea of just living here for a year in order to MAYBE get residency to stay for ANOTHER year finishing a program my heart isn't committed to makes for bad feelings). Should i decide not to finish my bsw, i'll have to either continue to pay loans back while not going to school or put them on hold by continuing school/digging myself deeper into debt while trying to study something else... Best case there would be gaining residency (here or in another state- my heart is super drawn to northern CA), taking any 100 or 200-level classes I need for my (new) degree at a community college, and then finishing up at a university. This would make for LESS debt piling up, and I could improve my gpa at community college.

The worst part about trying to gain residency in Oregon, besides that it might not even work since I have been continually in school since moving here (although also continually employed and paying taxes etc :/), is that... I mean, if I take a year off school, why would I want to stay in Oregon? D: I would want to travel. One thing I could do, though, is some sort of live in internship type deal... Like maybe WWOOFing (volunteer to work and live on an organic farm, basically). That would make it bearable, for me, but I may need a car as that would likely be rural (obv).

Anyway, so I am writing about this because I had my volunteer orientation at the local humane society today and it is making me question my life choices. As much as I have a gift for kindness and compassion toward humans (not to sound conceited? Lol), I have always always always been better with animals. Also I am weirdly stoked that they have a surgery viewing room (like in a hospital, because they have an awesome medical center on-site), I feel like what I have the stomach for would be helpful to know if I do want to work with animals. So yeah.

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